“Shark!” yells my ever-dramatic daughter as she dips her toes into the warm waters off Fiji’s Tivua Island.  I leave our stuff up at one of the beachside bures and run down to the water. Sure enough, a black fin emerges, just metres away from my daughter’s tiny toes.

“It’s adorable,” she declares, leaping straight into the water with the tiny shark and half a dozen of its equally tiny friends.

Turns out Tivua is something of a baby black tipped reef shark super highway and I half expect them to burst out in a chorus of “doo doo doo doo doo”.

I join Sugarpuff and Captain Cook Cruises’ marine biologist guide in the gloriously clear water, and together we swim further out, passing more baby sharks and dozens of electric blue sea stars, to a coral garden buzzing with colourful parrot fish, stripy Moorish Idols, psychedelic angel fish, schools of long skinny garfish and a couple of Nemos flitting in and out of their anemones.

Kava and coral gardens on Tivua Island with kids

We’ve come to explore this small, sandy atoll in the centre of the Mamanuca Islands with the friendly crew from Captain Cook Cruises. Located just an hour from Port Denarau, a day cruise to Tivua Island with kids proves the perfect start to our Fiji holiday.

From the mellifluous tones of the Fijian crew who sing us across the seas to the traditional welcoming Kava ceremony when we arrive, this cruise is as much an introduction to Fijian culture as it is an opportunity to soak up a little of Fiji’s life aquatic on the surrounding coral reefs.

When it’s his turn to sup from the communal Kava tanoa (bowl), Raff knocks the brownish-grey beverage back in a single gulp, much to my surprise. Thankfully, he feels no ill effects from the slightly narcotic beverage, other than a bad taste.

He smiles happily at his host and claps his hands in thanks, waiting until we’re out of range to whisper in my ear that it tasted like dirt and begs for a lemonade chaser.

Then my passionate ocean advocate is off, ready for an exciting new adventure that will bring him even closer to is beloved underwater world. He meets up with Joe from the PADI certified Viti Water Sports, who has been tasked with turning my little fish into a scuba diver.

My eager student listens intently as Joe takes him through the basics and when they’re ready to head off for Raff’s first confined dive, the rest of us frolic with those cute baby sharks, and make use of the island’s array of water sports, happily kayaking and paddle boarding our morning away.

Lunch and learning on Tivua Island with kids 

A beaming Raff returns to us just in time for lunch, already completely hooked on diving. So much so that while we take our time over the luscious salads, fish and tropical fruits, which we eat to a soundtrack of Fijian tunes and wash down with a sneaky Fiji Gold (the kids stick with lemonade), Raff just nabs a roll and some fruit.

I’m a little shocked as his eagerness to get back to diving is the first time I’ve ever seen anything take precedent over filling his stomach.

Post lunch, Sugarpuff heads off on a treasure hunt with her dad and plays happily with members of the crew, even donning a grass skirt that doubles as a bouffy blonde wig that would make Cousin Itt proud.

Together we take a leisurely lap of the island which, given it’s 800-metre circumference, takes less than ten minutes. Along the way we catch up with the Captain Cook crew who are hosting a fascinating guided herbal medicine nature walk, passing pretty palms and whistling native birds, as we earn about the traditional uses of island plants.

Soon enough, Sugarpuff decides it is high time for more baby sharks. But I leave her and her dad to their finned friends, as I have other plans at the island’s Senikai Day Spa.

While I sneak off for a lazy beach massage, my brave boy is diving deep down to Captain Cook Cruises Fiji’s own purpose sunk wreck, the MV Raiyam. My reward is muscle melting relaxations, his the sight of pretty corals and myriad colourful fish, including a fever of sting rays and a gnarly barracuda grinning a malevolent, snaggletoothed grin as he passes by.

When it’s time to leave we all agree we’d be happy to be marooned on this tiny island paradise, but head obediently to the waiting catamaran. As we board my girl is still humming “Baby shark”, Raff is bursting with pride at his new found scuba skills, and we’re all happily sun kissed, sandy and ready to be sung back to Denarau by the friendly Fijian crew.

Captain Cook Cruises Fiji
Port Denarau Terminal,
Denarau Island, Fiji
http://www.captaincookcruisesfiji.com

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Pro tip: If you want really good Thai food, go to Fiji! Yes, I said Fiji! You see, Kah Restaurant at Pullman Nadi Bay Resort and Spa Fiji, has some of the best Thai food I have ever had the pleasure of stuffing my face with, even in Thailand.

I mean, I went to Fiji expecting to fill up on bowls of kokoda (Fijian raw fish salad) and tropical fruits, and I did, but by dinner time the call of Kah became impossible to resist. It is the resort’s “adults only” restaurant, though families are welcome to eat on the deck or eat from the Kah menu at the neighbouring Barefoot Bar. And I totally recommend that every family visiting Fiji should because the food is ridiculously good. Seriously, I don’t even have the words to describe the sheer awesomeness of the food and service here. I mean there’s good, there’s amazing, there’s oh-my-gosh-my-tastebuds-are-dancing, and then there’s Kah.

I have to start with a shout out to our waitress, the amazing Siteri, who was really sweet and made us all feel super special. Then there’s the menu, which was essentially a list of everything I could ever dream of eating. I had a hard time choosing because everything sounded so good but decided to go straight up traditional.

I started with a Pad Thai with tamarind sauce and fresh lime, which absolutely blew me away. It was quite honestly the best Pad Thai I’ve ever had. I mean I can’t even remember how many times I’ve had Pad Thai and the dish has been ruined by gloopy over-cooked noodles. But these noodles were perfectly firm and silky. And the whole dish was the perfect balance of sweet, savoury and sour with the zingy flavours of tamarind and lime shining through.

For my second entree (technically my mums, but she needs to move faster if she thinks she’s ever going to actually eat all of her meal with me around, so we’ll just call it mine, OK?)
She/I had smoky grilled local tiger prawns that were a-maz-ing. They came with an absolutely addictive sweet, sour and spicy tamarind and chilli sauce that was so good I drank the leftovers.

My third entree (again technically my dad’s, but you get the gist) turned my taste buds upside down. Confession time! I don’t usually like fishcakes due to their rubbery texture and I was initially reluctant to steal/try. But I am so glad I tried these fishcakes, because the intense pop of flavour blew my mind. But it was the more coarse texture that won me over, and the fact that it actually tasted like fish instead of manufactured muck. Plus the sweet and sour chilli sauce that accompanied it kicked butt!

There was a fourth bonus entree of chicken larb salad served up for us to share (not on my watch) and its light, limey flavours were just as heavenly.

After my extreme entreeing, I have to confess to being a little full. Ha ha, as if! You know me, I’m like the Da Vinci of eating and have made gluttony an art form. I don’t think it’s even possible to fill my copious belly. Lucky for said belly, the mains soon made their way out of the  kitchen in all their sizzling and spicy glory.

I devoured an epic Penang duck curry, with the juiciest duck smothered in a creamy, spicy and earthy sauce and just the right amount of spice and heat. Mum went for something a little out of the ordinary, spangled emperor with smoked curry paste and eggplant. It was a real winner, not only because I got to scoff at least half of it. The fish had been baked in a banana leaf and was firm but super juicy and the eggplant chunks were like mini explosions of oozey, sticky loveliness. But it was the kick arse, smoky red curry sauce that had me entranced. In fact, this dish was pretty much a plate full of heaven.

The expression on my dad’s face when his main course arrived was almost as joyful as mine when I stole it from him. I mean, his whole crisp fried fish with three flavour sauce and steamed jasmine rice was enormous, and I knew that would mean there’d be plenty for me. Mind you, it was a bit of a battle! He wasn’t at all keen on giving up a single flake of that perfect fish. But it was a war he had no chance of winning and I greedily gobbled as much as I could. It was perfection, crispy, flaky, and moist and really brought alive by the tangy sauce.

We skipped desserts, mostly because my lightweight parents couldn’t handle another bite of food. Me, I could have eaten the entire meal again. And probably will, tomorrow night, because food as good as the stuff they’re whipping up at Kah Restaurant at Pullman Nadi Bay needs to be treated with slavish devotion!

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It’s not often that we’re left surprised and delighted by a resort stay. But a visit to Fiji’s Pullman Nadi Bay Resort and Spa with kids leaves us feeling all this and more.

What starts as a one-night stopover has become a longer stay thanks to a rather rude cyclone that decided to scupper our planned adventures. But there’s always a silver lining and having more time to enjoy the many delights of this brand spanking new coastal resort certainly counts as one.

With its prime position on a secluded stretch of the date-palm-lined Wailoaloa Beach, just ten minutes from Nadi International Airport, the five-star Pullman Nadi Bay Resort and Spa is not only the ideal resort for those stopping over on their way to Fiji’s outer islands, but it’s also pretty darned perfect for a longer family break.

The resort’s towering cathedral meets traditional bure reception area ensures our arrival is a jaw dropper. While it is unapologetically modern, clever design elements, including seats shaped like upturned canoes, give it a distinctly villagey vibe.

But it is the resort’s stunning central hub, complete with three enormous palm-dotted pools –including an adults-only pool and separate kids’ pool – and strategically placed day beds and sun lounges that is the star attraction for my crew.

The rooms at Pullman Resort and Spa 

Our hibiscus-filled interconnecting deluxe pool view rooms also boast a distinctly Fijian vibe, with warm wooden tones, tapa (bark cloth) inserts in the headboard and coconut fibre trimmings. But it is the balcony leading directly to the Pullman Nadi Bay Resort’s pool area that has the kids giddy with glee. If I could keep them indoors, there’s plenty of space to comfortably sprawl out. Two double beds in the kids’ room provide comfortable sleeping as well as a launch pad for bed belly flops. And there’s a cloud like king-size bed in our room, which we manage to keep our leaping loons well clear of. Both offer large bathrooms with Pure Fiji toiletries, separate rain shower and oversized bathtubs with a glass wall looking over the room (and a blind for privacy).

Both rooms have large flat screen TVs with a huge selection of latest release movies that are fabulously FOC, so after dinner we all snuggle up together in our mighty king-size bed for a bit of family movie fun.

The activities at Pullman Resort and Spa with kids

A favourite with Nadi’s locals for its tranquil ocean outlook and exceptional sunsets, Wailoaloa Beach may not boast the white sand and turquoise waters of the islands, but its ocean waters are as inviting for swimmers as they are for water sports enthusiasts.

The beachfront water-sports centre offers the hire of jet skis, catamarans, kayaks, stand up paddle boarding and a couple of giant water bikes that the kids are obsessed with.

But it is the aforementioned pool, with its 180-degree, uninterrupted ocean views, that has them sunk.  They soak the day away until their fingers turn all pruney and drag themselves from the pool for a quick game of giant chess, which quickly escalates into a viscous full scale battle.

There’s also the occasional sneaky visit to the kid’s club and cool crafts for Sugarpuff, and to the teens retreat for Raff to satiate his desire for a little PS4 action. T

hen it is straight back in the pool to re-prune and repeat.

Of course, mama isn’t left wanting either with the on-site Veikau spa offering a host of muscle-melting massage therapies and a plant-based menu of holistic treatments.

Plus there is a stunning adults only pool overlooking the beach, complete with curtained cabanas, which an underage Sugarpuff is modelling here while no one is looking.

Come sundown we’re hugely entertained by the fiery performance from a crew of Fijian dancers, who fling, toss, swallow and magically move fire to a funky meets traditional beat, right outside our balcony door.

In fact so happy are we that, other than a day trip to Tivua Island, we barely leave the resort. An unusual turn of events for my adventure seeking crew.

 Pullman Nadi Bay Restaurants

Whatever your dining style, The Pullman Nadi Bay Resort knocks it out of the park with four sublime signature restaurants and two bars.

Magiti, the resort’s buffet breakfast spot, proves a real winner with Raff who dances with unbridled joy when he sees the curry selection, piling his plate high with slabs of roti, a fragrant chicken curry and a particularly delicious veggie curry packed with oozy eggplant. There’s also the usual toast, fluffy, crispy pastries, cereal, yoghurt, tropical fruit and a selection of hot western dishes, including eggs made to order. Fresh squeezed juices include killer ginger and turmeric shots, which Raff and I slam down like we’re in a drinking competition. Sugarpuff sticks with a freshly blended papaya smoothie, the fiery burn of the pink ginger in the shots too fierce for her delicate palate.

The Barefoot Bar, with its casual island ambiance, is the furthest we can convince the kids away from the pool when it’s time for lunch. But they’re soon inhaling big bowls of kokoda, a delicious Fijian ceviche-style dish drowned in coconut milk, which they beg for me to add to our at-home meal rotation. I concur, but only if we can also add Barefoot Bar’s ginger and lychee cocktails.

Evening sees us discovering the delightfully hearty dishes at Dan Dan Noodle Bar, a cool noodle house offering Asian specialties for lunch and dinner.

But it is our dinner the following night at sexy signature restaurant, Kah, that leaves out tastebuds slayed. The refined menu takes us on a culinary journey through Thailand via a series traditional dishes executed with a modern twist.

The restaurant is adults only, but families are welcome to dine on the beachfront deck, accompanied by a light breeze and fiery Fijian sunset, or they can order from the Kah menu and dine by the pool at Barefoot Bar.

Raff was so impressed he’s written a raving review of Kah Restaurant at Pullman Nadi Bay Resort for y’all here.

Pullman Nadi Bay service

Sure, it has a convenient location, comfy rooms, excellent amenities for guests and some seriously fantastic cuisine, and these alone would normally be enough for me to give a hotel the Eats World thumbs up. But it is actually the service that leaves us rhapsodising.

Now, I am completely aware that Fijian people are some of the friendliest and nicest people on the planet. And I know that the staff at the Pullman Nadi Bay Resort are paid to be nice to their guests. But there’s something special happening here. A certain camaraderie. A warmer welcome. And from maintenance to management there’s always, always time for a chat.

It’s these little something extras that ensure a happy stay for every guest.

Pullman Nadi Bay Resort and Spa Fiji
Nadi Bay Road
Wailoaloa Beach, Fiji
T:  +679 672 1510
W: pullmannadibay.com

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Nestled inside the world’s largest lagoon, the island of Maré is a raised coral atoll and the southern most of New Caledonia’s three Loyalty Islands. And though it is just half an hour’s flight from Noumea, it is one of the Pacific’s best-kept secrets.

With its stunning coastline, pristine beaches, sharp limestone cliffs and an interior honeycombed with grottoes and pretty freshwater swimming holes, it is small wonder that Maré’s beauty has inspired legends.

Today, it is inspiring me to take a break. A real break. Not a trawl the shops for souvenirs and find the best restaurant for lunch kind of break … because there aren’t really any. More the drop everything, pull up a towel, crack open a coconut and dig your toes in to the sand kind of break. Which is exactly what this family needs.

We’ve sailed in to Maré on Carnival Spirit, and its 2000 plus passengers have swollen the island’s welcoming Kanak population by almost 50%.

But while the cruise ship crowds bring a welcome income stream to the Melanesian island, it certainly hasn’t affected Maré’s authenticity. With little tourist infrastructure, a single hotel, few organised tourist activities and only a pop up marketplace that forms along the beach to coincide with cruise ship schedules, it’s the lack of all the usual things that makes Maré really something.

We’re first to disembark the tender at Tadine Bay, the island’s main centre, and are on the bus to the beach before the cruise ship crowds descend. Our luck in getting here early means we have our pick of the best spots on the beach, but given that on this glorious strip of sand they’re all the best spots, we settle under a tree at one of the beach.

Beside us is a young Maréan boy hacking open fresh drinking coconuts with a machete.

Behind us slabs of fresh papaya, pineapples, island style fish curry and huge banana fritters are being prepped in a makeshift stall. So as well as shade, refreshments and lunch are sorted!

My husband, having risen from his sandy grave, has joined me to nosh on the remains of our coconuts, which my machete-wielding friend has kindly hacked in half so we can scoop out the delicious flesh.

My sunscreen-slathered kids switch between gathering shells, bits of coral and discarded coconut shells to decorate their monumental sand castles, snorkelling amongst a myriad of fish and splashing about wildly in the warm turquoise water. I move only for the occasional dip in the tropical waters and a cheap but fabulous massage on a palm-leaf mat along the beach.

Perhaps the most wonderful thing about visiting Maré with kids is the connections they make. Raffles and Sugarpuff quickly befriend a couple of local kids of similar age. The Kanak children speak both French and the indigenous language, Nengoné, my kids have only English and a little Mandarin to fall back on. But they quickly discover that a combination of wild gesticulations and interpretative dance is as effective as speech.

Thank goodness for that, or they’d have had to fall back on Mr Eats World’s smattering of schoolboy French, which doesn’t really stretch past ordering “un bier” and shouting inappropriate swear words, which I’m guessing wouldn’t have gone down too well with their new friends’ parents.

Even without the benefit of a mutual language, Raffles is like some kind of junior Pied Piper and has soon gathered a following of local tots who follow his every move and laugh wildly at his buffoonery.

But there is one, gorgeous two-year old Alain, who takes such a shine to my gregarious boy that they practically start a wiggling, giggling dance party on the beach… when Alain isn’t pulling at his new pet human’s blonde curls or riding him like a pony into the ocean.

Despite Maré’s wild beauty, the warm clear water, the delicious food and gorgeous weather, it is playing with the local children that Raffles declares the best part of this visit and he is happy to entertain his little friends for the remainder of the day, waving goodbye to them and this glorious patch of paradise only when its time for us to make our way back to our fab floating home, Carnival Spirit.

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Imagine an all-inclusive island holiday where instead of long sleepless flights, tedious waits in transit with tantrum-chucking tots and tweens and stodgy, dodgy airplane food, you wake to a new location every day in your own bed, with an incredible variety of fun activities and a surplus of dining options at your disposal? It may sounds like the stuff of family holiday fantasy but on Carnival Spirit, it’s an everyday reality.

With accommodation, meals, activities, childcare and transport all included in the one price, a Carnival Spirit cruise holiday stretches your holiday dollar further. With everything packaged together, its all simple to organise. You don’t need to search for accommodation, cheap flights, activities, or even where to eat. Just book, pack and board and everything you need is right there ready and waiting as you float across the ocean to your destination.

So smitten were my wee kittens by our recent Carnival Spirit cruise to the stunning Pacific paradise of New Caledonia that when I sat down to write about it, a little he said, she said ensued as the kids started regaling me with their individual happy memories.

And so instead of another story about cruising on Carnival Spirit with kids, eight-year old Raffles and five-year old Sugarpuff are sharing the inside story on Carnival Spirit by kids with their top 14 cruise highlights.

1.The daily activities

On Carnival Spirit boredom is not an option, and with 45 plus activities on board each day our kids were kept in a perpetual state of dizzy bliss. From family arts and craft sessions at Creative Cove, sports, trivia, and crew-led fun, there’s something to float everybody’s boat, if you’ll pardon the very intentional pun.

He said: “The Hairy Chest Competition was really funny. I was a bit sad my dad didn’t enter though becasue he’s so furry he would have nailed it. I also liked Wiggle for Westmead where we got to dance and be silly to help raise money for sick kids in hospital.”

She said: “My favourite thing was painting my own special beach bag with mummy with the arts and crafts lady. Mine was prettier than mummy’s though.I also liked going to the spa and getting my nails done.”

2. The Carnival Waterworks

This fabulous water play area on the top deck includes a SplashZone for little cruisers with mini-slides, water play and tipping buckets. Bigger kids, and their parents, can try the two-storey Twister waterslide and the free-falling, 65km/h Green Thunder waterslide that snakes out over the water while you shout words that sound uncannily similar to ship.

He said: “The water slides are epic! I loved the twister and I went on it at least a billion times. It took a bit more convincing to get me on Green Thunder though. It was so steep and so fast, and it went over the edge of the ship. But eventually I decided to just go for it. It was super scary and I went about 63,000 kilometres an hour but it was over so fast and was so fun, I just had to do it again. And again.”

She said: “I really loved the pink waterslide in the SplashZone. It was only little but super fast. There was water spraying everywhere so we were always wet. I loved the Twister too. I was really brave and went on it lots of times and it was so swirly and so fun and it made a big splash at the end.”

3. The facilities

There are so many family friendly facilities on board Carnival Spirit besides the water slides and splash zone. There’s a games arcade on deck 4, a sports deck with table tennis, mini golf, a netted sports court for football and basketball and the Lido deck, home to three swimming pools, including an adults only retreat for when the kids are otherwise ensconced in the kids’ club.

He said: “My favourite place besides the pool and water slides was on the sports deck where I played mini golf, ping pong and totally thrashed my dad at basketball. I even won a foosball comp.”

She said: “I liked ping pong and mini golf and playing basketball with daddy.”

5. The kids’ club

While there are so many things for families to do together, occasionally parents and kids need space to do their own thing. Camp Ocean, devised by an expert panel of specialists in children’s engagement along with actual parents, offers hundreds of educational ocean-themed activities designed by age and stage. It is divided into three age-appropriate areas including Penguins for two- to five-year-olds, Stingrays for six- to eight-year-olds, and Sharks for nine to 11-year-olds.

He said: “I’m not usually a big fan of kids’ clubs because I prefer to hang out and annoy my mum and dad, which I am a bit of an expert at. But Camp Ocean on Carnival Spirit was really good. That’s because they separate the kids into different age groups and I got to hang with a bunch of cool kids my own age.”

She said: “I went to Penguins and I loved it so much because I got to do craft and paint my own t-shirt and the girl who looked after me said my colouring was so good that she gave me a trophy.”

5. The Seuss at Sea program

One ship, two ships, Dr. Seuss was on our cruise ship! From a Green Eggs and Ham Breakfast where the kids dined on Seuss-themed goodies alongside the some of Dr Seuss best loved characters, to a Seuss-A-Palooza Character Parade along the promenade, interactive story times and other Seuss themed activities and events, the Seuss at Sea program was a winner with my Seuss fans.

He said: “I first saw the Cat in the Hat dancing on the deck as we sailed out of Sydney. He had some seriously good moves. There were loads of Dr Seuss activities on board but the best was the Green Eggs and Ham Breakfast. I hung out with Thing One and Thing Two and actually got to eat Green Eggs and Ham! And I did like them Sam I Am. I also liked the yoghurt parfait schlopp, and not just because of its funny name.”

She said: “I got to cuddle Sam I Am, the Things and the Cat in The Hat. He was soooooooo tall. I ate yummy French toast covered in coloured crunchy things and I drank Goose Juice, which tasted a lot like apple juice. It was so fun.”

6. The nighttime entertainment

As night falls, the activities don’t slow down with “Dive In” Movies by the pool, piano bars, game shows, karaoke, rock bands, comedy performances and epic Broadway shows, most of which are family friendly.

He said: “The movies by the pool were really good. They gave us popcorn and we grabbed ice creams and laid on deck chairs to watch them. The shows were awesome too but my favourite thing was being allowed to go to a pub to watch a rock band for the first time ever. The band was called Music Manilla. They were really good and played all my favourite rock songs. I even got to see my friend Jennifer sing with them and she kicks butt! I think she sings Sweet Child of Mine even better than Axl Rose (but don’t tell him I said that).”

She said: “I loved the movies and the Red Frog Pub because I got to dance with my mum and my friend Jennifer and I got a special drink with an umbrella in it.”

7. The Pharaoh’s Palace

The three-level Pharaoh’s Palace is the place for family-friendly Broadway style theatrical extravaganzas, mesmerising magic shows, guest comedians and the fun and interactive Hasbro, The Game Show.

He said: “We were really lucky and got to go behind the scenes at Pharaoh’s Palace where all the costumes and props for the shows are kept. It was super cool but not as cool as actually seeing the shows. Hasbro, The Game Show was fun, even though I missed out on getting to join in and I totally picked who the murderer was in The Cluedo Show. I also saw an awesome magic show! The magician was hanging upside down doing acrobatics and everything and I couldn’t work out how she did any of her tricks. I think she might be really magic. But my favourite show of all was Epic Rock, which really was so epic that I went to both shows.”

She said: “I really, really liked seeing the dancers and singers in Epic Rock because they were so cool and the songs were nice and the boy dancers were so strong.”

8. The movable feast

Be prepared to come home a few kilograms heavier because there’s more than just one place to eat on board Carnival Spirit. Along with the Empire dining room (more on that in a moment), there are special events, casual dining at the International Food Plaza, barbecue delights at Fat Jimmy’s C-Side BBQ, tacos and burritos at Blue Iguana Café, and incredible burgers at Guy’s Burger Joint. And they are all included in your cruise fare. For a small surcharge you can (and we did) indulge in delicious Japanese inspired dishes at Bonsai Sushi or nosh on prime cuts of beef, seafood and lobster at fine diner Nouveau.

He said: “I still have dreams about the lobster ravioli at Nouveau, it was so good. And I must have eaten about 100 tacos at the Blue Iguana Café. Then there were the burgers; they were so delicious, especially the Chillius Maximus. And learning how to make the ship’s chocolate melting cake was so cool.The breakfast pizza and eggs benedict in the food plaza were awesome too, but my number one tip is to not miss out on the breakfast burritos because they are the bomb!”

She said: “The macaroni cheese at Nouveau was the best thing I’ve ever tasted and I really liked the sashimi at Bonsai. But my favourite place to eat was a candy store called Cherry on Top.”

9. The Empire Dining Room

The glittering two-deck a la carte Empire Dining Room is not only the place for a fantastic breakfast, lunch or dinner – with a great selection of to-order dishes including the ship’s famous warm chocolate melting cake – it is one of the most fun places you’ll ever eat with impromptu performances by the talented wait staff each and every night.

He said: “Dinner in the main dining room was so cool. Not only did we get to choose from an awesome menu with amazing dishes like grilled lobster, it had a different theme every night, so we got to dress in crazy Mexican hats, ugly neon clothes from when my mum and dad were kids (the eighties) and fancy schmancy clothes on formal night. But the best thing was the waiters who sang and danced every night. They were so amazing and they had me up dancing every single time.”

She said: “I loved dressing up for dinner and the singing and dancing waiters and hanging out with my new friends. And the desserts are yum.”

10. The High Tea at Sea

We donned our craziest hats for the Mad Hatter’s Afternoon Tea party, where we ate and drank our way through an enormous spread of teas, coffees, hot chocolate and tables laden with delectable canapés, cakes, and sweet treats. We were even joined by a certain white rabbit, the wicked(ly funny) Queen of Hearts and Alice herself.

He said: “OMG! I couldn’t believe it when we went for High Tea at Sea. There were huge tables heaving with delicious savoury snacks, scones and cakes and a huge ice carving of the mad hatter. There was so much food it was almost enough to fill even my belly! And the Senior Maitre d’, Dessi, who is like the funnest person ever, was dressed as the Queen of Hearts. Awesome.”

She said: “I loved the high tea so much because I got to eat about 2,353 hundred macarons and they were so yummy. And everything was so delicious and pretty. Especially the Queen of Hearts’ dress.”

11. The Divine Dessi

From our kindly room steward, Jayson, through to Captain Adriano Binacchi, every one of the 930 crew members on board Carnival Spirit deserves high praise. They are warm, friendly and went above and beyond to make our holiday a magical one. But there was one person on board who the kids, and every other passenger, took a particular shine to. I’ll leave them to tell you all about her.

He said: “All of the staff on board were super nice to us but Dessi was just about the funnest, and busiest person, I’ve ever met. Even though she was looking after thousands of people every night in the Empire Dining Room and a huge staff, she was really easy to talk to, went out of her way to make everyone happy, and never made us feel like we weren’t important because we were just kids. I love her.”

She said: “I loved Dessi so, so much. She was so funny and wore the prettiest dress at the tea party. She gave me a hair clip and drew a moustache on me for Mexican night. She even painted my nails for me in my favourite colour. But I like her most because she gave me nice cuddles.”

12. The ice cream

Kids and ice ceram go together like, well… kids and ice cream. So you know they are going to love Carnival’s free-flowing ice cream from the two 24/7 poolside ice-cream stations.

He said: “It’s so epic that they have ice cream and frozen yoghurt on tap. I ate so much it was practially spilling out of my ears. I don’t know why mum wouldn’t just let me lay down under it and guzzle it straight from the tap all day.”

She said: “I loved the swirly chocolate and vanilla ice cream. It was so yummy. I got really good at making my own and one time I even had two ice creams at once.”

13. The Stateroom

There’s nothing worse than toting tired kids through airports, but cruising means an end to the “are we there yets”. Being able to fall asleep in one destination and wake up in another every singe day without tantrums in transit equals family holiday bliss. Our comfortable and modern balcony stateroom on Carnival Spirit proved the perfect home away from home for this little family. You can find tips on choosing a stateroom for you family here.

He said: “On Carnival Spirit we had our own balcony where we could sit and watch the water and we got to sleep in bunk beds just like at home. Best of all we never had to wait around to get anywhere. We’d just go to sleep and wake up somewhere new. Magic.”

She said: “I loved how every night a cute little towel animal would be waiting on our bed. I loved the doggie best of all.”

14. The Ports

While Carnival Spirit proved to be a destination in itself, we also enjoyed delightful experiences in the stunning islands of New Caledonia. Much of this thanks to Carnival Spirit’s shore excursion crew who proved to be genius at pointing families, at least this one, in the right direction.

He said: “New Caledonia is so beautiful. We spent a day on the beach in Mare and I had so much fun playing with the local kids who were so cute.

In Noumea, we went to a place called Amedee Island where I got to jump off the dock and swim in turquoise water with giant green turtles, which was the most incredible experience I’ve ever had.  The giant feast the island people served us for lunch was right up there too. The Isle of Pines was like another world. The water is so blue and the trees so green and I went on a speedboat where giant manta rays and reef sharks swam right alongside us in the clear water. We even saw an enormous loggerhead turtle. But the best thing of all was eating platefuls of giant garlic butter forest snails and the most enormous barbecued snapper I ever saw.”

She said: “I loved all the islands because we got to spend every day on the beach building sandcastles and swimming in the water. My favourite place was Amedee Island because mama let me eat two plates of dessert at lunchtime and I loved playing with my new friends on my giant pink flamingo.”

For more tips for cruising with kids head here. 

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Travel has proven an amazing way of introducing our children to a range of new and exciting foods. But so many travellers, especially those with kids, refuse to bypass fast food chain burgers and the limp pizza at the hotel buffet to wrap their lips around the local cuisine.

Sometimes it’s due to a fear of flavour but more often its due to an often misplaced fear of food poisoning. But why travel at all if you aren’t prepared to truly experience a destination? The first thing Raffles and I do when we arrive in a new city is head straight for the nearest street food vendor. We both consider it an integral part of the travel experience because it fast tracks our understanding of a country’s cultural identity.

Indeed, one of Raffles favourite recent travel experiences was taking on Phuket Old Town’s Walking Street Night Market, and his body weight, in weird and wonderful Thai treats with Migrationology‘s street food superhero, Mark Weins.

Of course we take precautions. We’d never take an uneducated risk on our children’s health. We avoid tap water, raw foods and stalls with dubious hygiene standards, and our street food mantra is “cook it, peel it or forget it.”

To be honest, sometimes street food can be a safer option for kids, because you can see and smell exactly what you’re feeding them. While there are still no guarantees of avoiding illness, that’s true of any meal prepared outside your own kitchen.

But not all street stalls are created equal. Here are our 12 top tips for a safe street food experience with kids.

Top tips for safe street food

1. Up and at ‘em

Wake up! We all love a holiday sleep in but all the cool cats know that the best local markets start at the crack of dawn. So set the alarm and head out for an early breakfast to ensure you get your teeth into some of the freshest and best street food treats of the day.

2. Shop like a local

If you’re after the real thing when shopping for street eats then avoid ordering tacos in Taiwan or burgers in Bangkok. Choose local dishes cooked to local perfection. Markets packed with western tourists usually serve up sub-standard and inauthentic eats, so go where the locals are and eat what they eat.

3. Follow the leader

For the best food in town just stalk the locals. If they’re lining up for a particular vendor and the food turnover is high, then form a conga line behind them because it’s most likely going to lead you to a fresh and fabulous meal! On the flipside, if a vendor has no local customers, you have to ask yourself why? Regardless of the answer, in my quest for a vom free holiday, I follow the local lead.

4. Behind closed doors

E.coli doesn’t discriminate. The malicious bastard is just as likely to be found hanging with his pals salmonella, listeria and typhoid in a sit-down restaurant where you can’t see the kitchen, the hygiene standards, or the produce you’re about to eat, as he is doing backstroke in the salad dressing at a street side stall.

5. Keeping up appearances

Whether your dining at a restaurant or on street foods, if the store looks dirty and the sous chef is a rodent just move along, there’s nothing to eat here.

6. Keep it clean

Is the vendor using gloves and tongs? If yes, there’s a good chance they understand the importance of food hygiene. Or do they have one finger up their nose and another scratching their arse? We’ll pass. 

7. On the nose

Take the sniff test. If the place smells like a toilet, then there is a good chance you are going to end up bent over one.

8. Hot to not trot

The best bet for avoiding vom-inducing bacteria is to choose foods that are thoroughly cooked and are still hot.

9. Dodge that salad

It’s best to avoid anything raw, including fruits and vegetables. Salads may have been rinsed with unsafe water and fruit that has been pre-peeled and cut may have been exposed to all kinds of icky bugs, dust and dirt, and may well be hosting a bacteria bacchanal. Stick to unopened fruit like papaya, mango or bananas and peel it yourself (after you’ve cleaned your hands).

10. Bottle it

Speaking of water, never drink water that’s not bottled and always use a straw so you’re not drinking from a can that’s been sitting in ice made from undiluted typhoid. We pack our own paper straws (the plastic ones are a hideous environmental hazard) for just such occasions.

11. Clean up your own act

It’s not always the food that makes people sick, it’s the germs you’re packing on your own hands. Especially kids who struggle to keep their hands off everything! Just like we would at home, we make the kids wash their hands before they put their fingers anywhere near their food or mouths. As an added precaution, we also use a splash of hand sanitiser before and after each meal.

12. BYO utensils

Though we used to be a little more nonchalant, with kids in tow we have to take more precautions. We carry our own reusable cutlery for the kids because the plastic cutlery stocked at street vendors isn’t always the cleanest. And its bad for the environment. Paranoid? Perhaps. Have my kids ever had food poisoning? Never.

 SO WHAT SHOULD YOU DO IF YOUR KIDS DO GET TRAVELLER’ DIARRHOEA?

You may know it as Delhi Belly, The Hershey squirts, Bali Belly, Peru Poo, Burrito Bowels or the ever so politely British, holiday tummy.  Regardless of your preferred euphemism, a case of traveller’s diarrhoea is shit. And no matter how cautious you are, getting it can come down to nothing more than bad luck.

The good news is that it is usually a self-limiting condition that clears up after a few days. And while adults can keep things “contained”, so to speak, with over the counter medication like Imodium, things get more complicated with kids’ as, in Australia, Imodium is not recommended for anyone under the age of 12.

Unfortunately, kids under 12 are also more prone to dehydration. So what to do?

1. Oral hydration is essential and the last thing you want is your child to end up on a drip in hospital, so it is vital to replace the fluids and salts that they lose.

2. Don’t leave home without plenty of oral rehydration powder, and ensure the kids take little sips of fluid as frequently as possible. Isotonic drinks like Gatorade and Pocari Sweat can also help and, if you are in the tropics, fresh coconuts (cut in front of you) contain water that is sterile and safe to consume.

3. Breastfeeding is the best way to reduce the risk of foodborne and waterborne illness, and to rehydrate babies who are at even higher risk from dehydration.

5. Avoid juices and dairy products except for plain natural yoghurt as its natural probiotics can help fight the bacteria.

5. Ginger or peppermint candies and fresh (weak) chamomile and peppermint tea can help settle nausea.

6. If your child is hungry, let them eat but stick to bland foods. Bananas, plain rice, porridge, clear soup and soy based milk products have essential nutrients that can help fight infection.

7. Administer some kid-friendly probiotics packed with live (good) bacteria that can aid the digestive system.

8. Rest. Don’t overdo things.

9. If symptoms persist, or your child is becoming seriously dehydrated, seek immediate medical advice.

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I holler in fright as a half-naked warrior leaps out from the undergrowth. Two more suddenly appear from Efate’s jungle armed with spears and arrows that are pointed directly at our heads. 

Now, I don’t like to make assumptions (and by ‘don’t’ I actually mean it’s my hobby) but, given the scowling faces and life threatening stance, surely one could be forgiven for thinking that these dudes are a little miffed at our intrusion.

Given the only thing even remotely weapon-like I’m carrying is a plastic spork from Sugarpuff’s left over lunch, they obviously expect us to yield. And that will be their undoing.

“Hiyaaaa” screams Raffles as he launches into full ninja fighting stance ready to take them on. The tribesman look at each other in confusion. After all, a small blonde nutjob, arms and legs flailing as he spins and postures in their general direction, is both unexpected and quite a spectacle. Fortunately any impending ninja v. native battle is defused by the arrival of the giggling chief who is here to welcome us into his village.

The heart-stopping, pant-soiling welcome is just part of the experience of Iarofa Cultural Village with kids, located in Vanuatu’s family friendly resort filled capital, Port Vila. Good job too, given the ni-Vanuatu people still practised cannibalism as little as 50 years ago, and Raffles is the perfect size for an afternoon snack.

The village chief and his friends, once they’ve stopped pointing and chuckling, offer us an insight to the traditions of the indigenous people of Vanuatu through demonstrations of local customs, dancing, hunting, medicines and of course, cooking… from baking yams to roasting up a whole human with banana leaves in an earth oven.

Now that’s a recipe I won’t be sharing.

We watch as the villagers walk on hot coals and make nets from spiders webs.

Mr Eats World and I listen to more tales of the island’s fascinating but occasionally gruesome history as Raffles runs off to play with a couple of the  local kids.

Raffles is having a blast but I can’t help but keeping one eye on him,  just in case his new pals are tempted to wrap him in a kid-size banana leaf and start noshing on my tasty wee ninja.

It’s been a fun and educational afternoon and as we depart we spot a busload of tourists coming up the path for the Iarofa Cultural Village experience. I hear the rustling of trees as the tribesmen prepare to launch themselves screaming at the unsuspecting visitors. One can only hope that, along with their cameras, they’ve all packed a change of undies.

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The first thing we notice when we arrive at l’île de Pins? The water is blue. Retina searingly so! The second? Our daughter has a big thing for coconut. Big enough that we’re considering the need for some kind of tropical fruit rehab before she starts freebasing them.

While Sugarpuff slurps on the first of many, many coconuts, and Raffles does a lovely rendition of a song about a bunch of them, we get our bearings.

The pretty Pacific island, part of New Caledonia, is only 14 km wide and 18 km long, but it is surrounded by pretty beaches, swaying palms and massive Araucaria pines that grow up to 200 feet high. And while it all sounds rather idyllic, there are tough decisions to make, people.

I mean, do we stay at the Bay of Kuto with its kilometre long beach of pure white sand, still turquoise water and coconut trees?

Or, do we walk the literally tens of metres to the Bay of Kanumera and its sacred rock, tropical fish, majestic turtles, more soft white sand and equally clear water?

Do we snack on barbecued lobsters and escargot by the beach or scoff fresh fried banana fritters?

Do we try the traditional feast dish, Bougna – taro roots, bananas, sweet potato and chicken wrapped in banana leaves and cooked underground or do we just visit both beaches, kick our second stomachs into gear and eat the lot? With a side of grilled fish and golden chips? That would be a hell yeah!

When we’re not stuffing our faces with the glorious food, collecting coconuts for our daughter, or coating ourselves in the $AU48 bottle of sunscreen we’d picked up in Noumea the day before (Noumea is a notoriously expensive city but, seriously, at that price this shit ought to be good enough to slather across the hole in the ozone layer and stop global warming), we learn that the island was named by Captain Cook – who foolishly just smiled and waved at it as he passed by instead of stopping off to lie on a towel with a couple of piña coladas. Then in the 1840s Christian missionaries passed through and, clearly more impressed with the cocktails, decided to stay.

A decade later the French arrived and got their Gallic on all over the place before deciding to make it France’s prettiest penal colony and shipped in a few thousand political prisoners (mostly members members and supporters of the short-lived 1871 revolutionary Paris Commune).

But that was then and today there is no sign of the Communards (who, unlike the 80’s band of the same name could leave them this way, and scarpered back to France). Of the roughly 2000 inhabitants still residing on the Isle of Pines, 95% are indigenous. And though Native Kanaks speak an unwritten language amongst themselves, French is still the official language.

Beyond Mr Eats World’s smattering of schoolboy French, our family’s skills in the Gallic tongue stretch only to ordering “un croissant” and talking about poo, but we find our mime skills come in very handy for communicating with the lovely locals. In fact, Raffles has barely dipped a toe in the ridiculously blue water when a couple of friendly local kids come and ask, in an extravagant combo of French and wild gesticulation, if he’ll play with them.

After interpretive dancing his happy accord, the three boys are off and leaping about in the water like old mates, language proving no barrier to a good time.

Sugarpuff, between coconuts, also stumbles across some little locals and soon she and her BYO bestie, Johnny the Pineapple, are making some non-synthetic pals to play in the sand with.

It is these moments that make travel so special. The making friends part that is, not my daughters peculiar attachment to a piece of plastic fruit.

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Long before Captain Billy Bligh and his crazy crew of mutineers in the making visited Aitutaki in the soon to be barbecued Bounty, legendary Polynesian warriors were succumbing to the spectacular sight of a lagoon so beautifully blue that it appears to have been painted. In fact, I’m left gaping like a slack-jawed idiot as our flight descends over the lagoon after our short flight from Rarotonga.

The island of Aitutaki is tiny and in minutes of landing we’re on a ferry to the insanely pretty Aitutaki Lagoon Resort & Spa.

On the other side we’re greeted by a “warrior” and the call of his conch. Raffles has a blow but instead of making a trumpeting sound he just leaves the poor warrior with a spittle covered shell. Sorry dude.

We’ve barely checked into our beachfront bungalow and test driven its family-size hammock before the kids are whisked away for a traditional drumming lesson.

Long has our little lunatic loved to make noise and he proves a natural on the pate (log drum), as does Sugarpuff who insists on her own raucous turn before performing a toddler style hula and knocking back her third coconut for the day. I swear the stuff is like baby crack, such is her addiction.

Our hips are still wiggling, and the kids still giggling, when local tour guide Nga Tuanie collects us in his bright yellow four-wheel-drive to explore Aitutaki via a secret network of dirt tracks over the jungle covered hills.

There’s little traffic, besides the odd chook. The kids happily bounce about in the back of the jeep as we drive through plantations dripping with fruit. As we beat away the pterodactyl-size mosquito’s with leafy branches, Nga points out places of interest from WWII bunkers to the sacred site of an ancient marae (a sacred place that served as a ceremonial meeting place for everything from traditional feasts to sacrifices).

This particular marae was the site of some fairly brutal circumcisions that were performed on boys when they came of age.

Mr Eats World flinches when he sees the v-shaped throne of rock where the crude operations took place. Sadly for historians (though not to local 12 year old boys), most of the marae in The Cook Islands were destroyed at the command of Christian missionaries, and their secrets lost.

We return through villages bumping past locals in our jeep as they continue happily about their business but always with a wave and a smile.

Back at the resort there is till plenty of time for us to frolic about in the irresistible water before dinner.

Dinner is a Kaikai (feast) of root crops and meats wrapped in banana leaves and slow cooked for hours in an Umu (a type of underground earth oven) until tender.

A dessert of Poke, a traditional Cook Islands dish of sweetened bananas thickened with arrowroot and served in coconut milk, follows.

It’s an alarmingly unattractive glutinous brown mass not dissimilar in appearance to the contents of Sugarpuff’s nappy but, brave souls that we are, decide to brave it and discover a chewy, gluey taste sensation that has me going back for seconds. For Poke that is, not nappy fillings.

The following morning we rouse ourselves sufficiently for some lagoon magic with Te Vaka Lagoon Cruises who collect us from our extremely lovely doorstep

Dangling in the luminous blue from one of the boat’s life rings, Raffles joyful smile dazzles as dozens of butterfly fish surround him, squealing with delight/fear as a turtle pops up for air nearby.

After an on-board lunch of barbecued fresh-caught ocean fish, tropical salad and yet more coconut we head to a small uninhabited motu (islet).

Here we paddle around the clear shallow waters of the island, dodging the thick black and disturbingly phallic sea slugs that dot the water, and snorkel a little more before the sound of the conch signals it’s time to head back to our digs.

Before dinner there is time for crab racing, music and drinks with fellow guests.

Raffles selects a splendid looking specimen of crabhood and is invited to start the race.

We cheer loudly for our crab but he is resoundingly beaten by another wild-eyed crustacean who we suspect has been taking crab steroids.

We’re calling shenanigans on that one and insist they take crustacean urine samples.

Our disappointment is short-lived as we are quickly distracted by the need to rescue another hermit crab that our fearless Sugarpuff is attempting to eat alive.

Over a leisurely dinner we feed her something a little less inclined to bite back and, as the setting sun puts on a magnificent display of colour, quietly dread our morning flight home from this beautiful blue water paradise.

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We’re not what exactly what you’d call regular churchgoers. And by not regular I actually mean never. But in an effort to immerse ourselves into Rarotonga’s local culture, and out of respect for the local and their beliefs, we’ve found ourselves bathing in the glow of stained-glass in a pretty whitewashed church on a sunny Sunday morning.

It’s a full house but we’ve managed to squeeze in between two lovely local ladies dressed in their best floral muumuus and woven rito hats on the coral hued pews.

There are few places in the world where you’ll find people as devout as those in the Cook Islands. Like much of the Pacific, English Christian missionaries arrived in the early 1800s and were successful in converting the islanders from their cannibalistic tendencies, which has been a huge boon to tourists wanting to visit paradise without being marinated in a nice white wine sauce and served with a side of coconut.

As the Reverend uplifts his congregation Raffles, like the local littlies, begins to squirm, until the music starts.

Stunned into stillness he, like us, is enthralled by the scat-like musical improvisation of the Imene tuki (hymn of grunts). As the women fill the church with sweet melody the men interject with a rhythmic harmony that  is part chant, part spontaneous outburst of joy, wholly beautiful and something every visitor should experience, regardless of their religious persuasion… or lack thereof.

So welcoming are the parishioner’s that afterwards we’re invited to join them for morning tea. We’re extremely tempted but decline before they discover what a pack of heathens they have in their midst.

Instead we head to The Cook Islands Whale and Wildlife Centre, an unforgiving Tardis of whaling history that is all about hands-on education.  Raffles is taken by the sharks’ jaws but it’s the fossilised dinosaur poo that really floats his boat – that and a frankly gruesome live coconut crab dangling precariously from its mesh enclosure for all the world like an extra from a b-grade horror film.

Ready for some seafaring of our own we head to Avatiu Harbour and climb into the semi-submersible Raro Reef Sub, the hull of which is soon filled with cries of “Sound the Octo Alert, Whoop, Whoop, Whoop”, as Raffles embraces his inner Octonaut and we cruise over the wreck of the SS Maitai accompanied by a school of giant pouty fish, who’ve clearly been overdoing the collagen injections.

The Lagoon Breeze Villas offer us spacious, self catering accommodation and is proves and excellent home base for the next few days. Located opposite a sandy beach on Aroa Lagoon & Marine Reserve where we paddle on the resort’s kayaks, or “Gondola’s” as a confused (post Venice) Raffles insists on calling them, this place is perfect for families.

The swimming pool includes a shallow toddlers’ area and plenty of pool toys, not to mention beach toys by the bucket load. The children’s playground, trikes and a trampoline also prove popular with my tiny travellers but it is Coco, the villa’s resident pooch, who wins their hearts.

Following a hot tip from a cool local we find ourselves at Island Living, a gift shop with a pronounced regional flavour, to chat to owners Minar and Louis. With typical Cook Island hospitality they have opened their colonial-style home to visitors for a weekly gourmet three-course local dining experience with a difference where guests can enjoy restaurant quality dishes made from ingredients grown and livestock raised in their expansive garden.

We are lucky enough to enjoy a tour of the plantation with Louis. Raffles happily stalks the chickens and what must be the happiest pigs on the planet –  currently being porked up, if you’ll pardon the pun, on a diet of fresh mango, bananas, coconut and papaya – to make Louis And Minars’ family one mighty tasty free range feast.

Louis also gives us a lesson in the multiple stages and uses of the humble coconut (whilst fighting off a frenzied Sugarpuff who I swear given the chance would gnaw her way through the husk to get at the tasty prize inside) and lets us smell, touch and taste his edible garden and, best of all, lets us scoff sweet, sweet bananas and coconuts fresh from the tree. They are a  revelation of sugary goodness and Raffles can’t stop at one.

Our days in Rarotonga are spent eating, swimming, kayaking and cruising on waters too blue to be true to a fairly constant soundtrack of twanging ukuleles.

We open up the kids to the stories and culture of Raro at every opportunity and Raffles discovers his inner warrior.

We take a glass-bottom boat on Muri Lagoon with Koka Lagoon Cruises.

We find this dude just hanging around….

Sugarpuff scoffs another thousand or so freshly husked coconuts…

And the kids both enjoy anatomy lessons of the totem kind.

Keen for Raffles to suck in a little more Cook Islands culture we head to the National Auditorium where free lessons in the Cook Islands hula are offered. We suck. But the rubber-hipped hula dancers make quite an impression on our little movers and shakers. We decide to take in  a performance at the Te Vara Nui Cultural Village where muscular men dance with fire and ladies, clad in gravity-defying coconut shell bras, swing their hips to the beat, Raffles’ eyes following every last jiggle.

The performance is all kinds of awesome, but its most memorable moment comes during a poignant theatrical pause as Raffles shouts “When are the bottom dancers coming back?”  and Mr Eats World and I, hoping we’ve scored a few points with the man upstairs following our earlier church visit, pray for the earth to swallow us up.

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