So last night I polished my plastic sword, put on my least smelly tunic and cape and set off in our VW time machine for Terry Hills and the St Ives Medieval Faire Feast, with the King and Queen of St Ives.
I wasn’t sure what to expect from my first medieval feast, but it wasn’t to be greeted by fire jugglers or a crazy assortment of weird and wonderful medieval characters. That was a bonus!
It totally felt like I had stepped backed into another time. The ladies were all dressed in the most amazing gowns and there were knights, monks, noblemen, vikings, jesters and even an executioner wandering around.
I made sure to make friends with the executioner, and his random bloody head, straight away, because he’s not a guy you’d want offside.
The King’s Herald called us to a giant hall draped with royal standards and filled with long, candle lit banquet tables. The St Ives Medieval Faire Feast looked so epic, it was almost like walking in to Hogwart’s Great Hall. Well, except for all the medieval folk… and lack of wizards.
Once the King gave his royal ok, it was time to feast! We started with a platter of good whyte brede, hard cheyse and mylat of porke and funges on spynoch. Or for non-medieval folk, a cheese plate with pork rillettes. It was really good, though hard to spell.
There was enough food just in this course to fill up a normal person. Luckily I’m not a normal person…
Between courses we were entertained by some rather unusual acts, just like the King would have been back in Medieval Times. The first act was a pair of stretchy people who did balancing and feats of strength.
It was pretty cool, but I was soon distracted by a potage of carret and rapes served with sippets. Or soup, if you want to be boring about it.
The Herald entertained us all with medieval stories and tales of which I understood about six words because he spoke using old language that we don’t use anymore.
The grown-ups giggled a lot, so he must have good. I just know he sounded really important and smart. I might have to start doing my speeches at school like that. That’d get everyone to pay attention.
Our main course was braeded chyckenes in gravey and roste befe with roast gourds, colewort and onyons, which sounds so much more exciting than just saying stuffed chook and roast beef with pumpkin and veg.
It was served in massive clay bowls and looked amazing. It wasn’t just the look that was awesome; it was the taste. So yummy.
And then the weirdest thing happened. For possibly the first time in my entre life, something tempted me more than eating. You see, this juggler came out and performed and he was so good that I left my food at the table and went to sit down in front of him and watch him. This guy could juggle everything and at one stage he juggled like six million balls at once.
It was worth letting my dinner get a little cold to watch it. But there was plenty of food, so I still managed to cram in seconds… and thirds.
There were a few people by a roaring fire outside and one of the dudes let me have a turn with his axe! Sadly as it was getting a little late and mum said we couldn’t stay to play with axes or for the fine cake of cheyse with raspices and wild forrest berrys… better known as cheesecake.
I was literally devastated. Because food. But she made up for it with the promise of a ye olde Golden Gaynetto from the servo on the way home.
Reviewed by Raffles – Aged 8
St Ives Medieval Faire Feast
50 Mona Vale Rd,
St. Ives NSW 2085
02) 9424 0000
Disclosure: Raffles was a guest of the St Ives Medieval Faire